Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
