Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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