did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
