ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
