Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
