yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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