My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
