glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
