i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
