There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
