Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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