you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
