You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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