She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
