i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
