I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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