Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
