Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
