You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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