Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
