My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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