After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
