I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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