So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
