Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
