If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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