Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize