haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
