I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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