the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
