You're my little dorito
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
