The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
