You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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