I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
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If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
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Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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