you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
