so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize