My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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