3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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