I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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