Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
