I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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