Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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