When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
organizing the empties. That sober.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
