i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i will never coherently bang her
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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