smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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