you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
