Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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