I can't watch pbs sober anymore
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
