Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
