i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
