last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
