there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
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Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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