i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
