I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
