it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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