what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
