Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
