Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
