She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
